I am Jealous

I can never admit it to myself, that I am jealous of the dead and gone;

How you are happy without me, how many new friends have you made in a less traumatizing environment?

How you took so many pieces of me and left me with nothing but pictures of you,

How you are adoring and adventuring heaven without me!

You rest in the arms of the almighty as I hustle to see my next day through,

I am jealous of the halo on your head, you’re always in my head in a blinding white garment.

I look for you in the people who shared you with me, I see your smile on theirs, your hands and crooked teeth,

Sometimes a complete stranger has a similar physique as yours that makes me love them just for that,

I am jealous of how you’re not obliged to remember me every time I stumble upon funny things and I need someone to laugh with.

Where are you? Do you miss me at all? 

I am constantly depressed but you must be in higher spirits than you had always had,

I am consumed with pain, I have hysteria, and overthinking is my new habit.

Why would you do this to me?

I am jealous of having never heard you speak to me of your last wish,

Your dreams, and fears, are they all gone now? Or am I wrong to think you’re better off that way!

I get mad, and sorry to yell but what were you thinking?

You left me in the open jaws of the wicked world, I am all alone!

When the sun goes up and I am not with you, will you understand I needed you beside me?

Up there where you are, can you read? 

I am jealous of screaming all these words and you probably speak in tongues I can’t comprehend,

You don’t need to make anyone happy now, 

But me. 

Who will fight for me?

My heart’s walls crumble at the thought of your love!

Maybe or maybe not, you watch over me!

I am jealous, I should’ve been the one to go.

 I would send these letters to you. I am jealous you too would feel this way but you don’t now….

Every new day kisses me with thoughts of you, the whole universe has conspired to never rub you off my memory,

I think I have moved on, but this is proof you are never going to be a scar

You’re a wound, fresh, new and deep.

I am jealous of this slow motion 

You come in and out of our lives, you play with our minds.

You sip on this taste of agony, but I am jealous for having to drink all of it over and over again!

You still smell so pure, every cloth of you reminds me of it, I am jealous you don’t go through those sessions. 

Time doesn’t heal anything, I am jealous it works for you

Time is never on my side, time betrays me

Till the day I see you again, I am jealous I have to wait for a time I don’t know.

Crazy ideas run through my mind, I would do anything to shorten this wait…

But I have come to live to make you proud, you would do the same I am sure

I am jealous your prayers are direct now, so pray I hang in here!

Before my time runs out.

I am jealous of everything about you!

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